700 Things: (Zombies) #369: Hello Gimpy

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Zombies project from the larger 700 Things project.

Zombie #369: Hello Gimpy

Hello Gimpy was killed by zombies in a shopping mall, of all places. Mercifully, his left arm tattoo was left in tact, fueling his inevitable moniker (the tattoo of the Lone Ranger on his right forearm was lost, unfortunately… if it had not been eaten, he would have most likely been called the Bone Ranger). Much like Hello Kitty, he stares forward blankly… his true emotions and thoughts remain inscrutable. Perhaps somewhere in his rotting brain, he longs secretly to have his ghastly visage appear on stickers, lunch pails, folders and other sparkling and shiny plastic geegaws like his iconic inspiration? If so, he sublimates these obscure desires into his anti-social hobby of consuming human flesh.

Note that my good friends at Big Time Attic just added some excellent pirates to the 700 Pirates project!

Monkey of the Week May 11, 2007: Ape Lad

Pictured above: Tiny Pirate, Monkey of The Seven Seas, drawn by Ape Lad

Ape Lad (aka Adam Koford) is easily the most prolific cartoonist in the previously mentioned 700 projects… he is also by far one of the best. He actually drew versions of all 700 of the 700 hobos single-handedly… and then drew 100 more!

When he isn’t participating in the 700 projects, what does he do? He draws, apparently! Check out his wonderful Hobotopia blog here. He is currently drawing comissioned monkey postcards, and they are all quite wonderful… and cheap! Only 20 bones, you provide a name and he draws it, full color. I’m ordering mine tonight. Bingo Bango and his Magic Fez, if you were wondering.

Also notable: Ape Lad has invented an interesting cartoonist parlour game… the one hour alphabet. His one hour alphabets are much, much better than the vast majority of a-z children’s books that I’ve read (and believe me, I’ve read a LOT of them in the last year)… and he did them in an hour! I gotta try that game some time.

To see much, much more of Ape Lad’s work, here is a link to his huge, amazing flickr pool.

700 Things: (Robots) #288: Lumberjack 2.0

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Robots project from the larger 700 Things project.

Robot #288: Lumberjack 2.0

Lumberjack 2.0 is the latest in deforestation technology. Far superior to the Lumberjack 1.0 and 1.3, as well as the previous BunyanBot models, Lumberjack 2.0 can whittle a natural acre to lumber, firewood and toothpicks (with the little sculpted lines, like the ones you frequently find in Chinese restaurants) in less than an hour. Best of all, the Lumberjack 2.0 is entirely solar-powered, which works great since shade will soon be in short supply!

700 Things From Big Time Attic

My good friends Zander Cannon and Kevin Cannon of Big Time Attic are going to be posting items to the 700 Things pool regularly as well… they just started with the 700 Clowns pool, doing me the honor of illustrating two of the clowns I named! Click on the images to see the full sized images on Flickr (and leave comments). Subscribe to the Big Time Attic blog to catch their weekly 700 updates (and a lot of other great content).

Clown #340: Slappy the Clown by Zander Cannon

Slappy the Clown has a hard life. He just slaps people, and frequently he gets slapped right back. He’s been forcibly removed from the big tent, the sideshow, and now the entire fairground. Forced to panhandle, he’s finally found where his disability is truly a blessing.

Clown #341: Jingles the Clown by Kevin Cannon

No description on Kevin’s yet… hopefully he’ll add one later…

700 Things: (Bunnies) #253 Bugsy Siegal

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Bunnies project from the larger 700 Things project.

Bunny #253: Bugsy Siegal.

Getting his start selling fermented carrot juice during prohibition, Bugsy Siegal’s activities soon spread out to other illegal ventures. The garden heists were bad enough, but it was his entry into the lucky rabbit foot trade that got him into serious trouble. With the law closing in on him, he high-tailed it out west, where, using his ill-gotten gains, he opened his casino, the Golden Carrot. It wasn’t long before his history caught up with him, though. He was found dead in his penthutch in 1949, strangled with his own ears.

700 Things: (Pirates) #10: Ol’ Pinkeye

Here’s my contribution to the 700 Pirates project from the larger 700 Things project.

Pirate #10: Ol’ Pinkeye.

As with many pirates, Ol’ Pinkeye was shanghaied at an early age, forced to serve under the infamous Captain Bilgewater as a cabin boy on his decrepit vessel The Syphilitic Sue. An orphan all his life, Ol’ Pinkeye had no home to long for, and circumstance made him a fast home of the seven seas.

His inflamed eye is not the product of conjunctivitis, as his name would imply. He actually is a victim of eye-scurvy… indeed, it could easily be cured with citrus, and Ol’ Pinkeye is well aware of this. However, Ol’ Pinkeye refuses to eat anything but salted pork and that which the sea provides, raw weepy eyeball be damned.

700 Things, and the Vigilant Hound

I previously mentioned the 700 Hobo project I participated in, which had cartoonists from around the world draw interpretations of 700 hobos named by hilarious author John Hodgman.

Since I wrote, the project has expanded in new directions… all the hobos were completed some time ago. Now the group that brought you 700 hobos has conceived of 700 things to draw 700 of… aka the 700 Things Project. These will be tackled gradually, but the first nine are already active.

700 Things
700 Hoboes (give or take 100)
700 Zombies
700 Pirates
700 Underwear Clad Vigilante Mutants
700 Bunnies
700 Unicorns
700 Robots
700 Clowns
700 Knights in Splendiferous Armor

Here’s how it works… at the start of a project people submit names to a list on flickr until it becomes a list of 700 items in the subject. Then they are put into an “official list” and people start drawing. Different peoples’ interpretations of the same character are fine. Once you’ve drawn your illustration, you post it to Flickr and tag it appropriately to be added to the appropriate group. Some of the organizers are also going to do a 700 things website which will eventually suck in the info from Flickr and organize it.

I’m going to try to eventually do at least one drawing for each group as they appear… I’ll post the results here.

Here’s my first drawing for the 700 Underwear Clad Vigilante Mutants (i.e. superheroes) Project… #21 The Vigilant Hound.


Real Name: Richard Bruce

Identity/Class: Human

Gender: Male

Age: 26

Occupation: Playboy

Group Membership: The Kennel Club

Enemies: The Flea, Bulldog, Hell Hound, The Mail Man, Fire Hydrant

Aliases: The Mutt of Mystery

Base of Operations: New York, NY

First Appearance: Sideshows of Justice #26

Powers/Abilities: Enhanced sense of smell, counter-balancing tail, The Big Bone of Justice.

History: The Vigilant Hound designed his costume with the intent of striking fear into the heart of evildoers… unfortunately his childhood fear of hound dogs proved not to be as universal a fear as he had hoped.

Nevertheless, he had chosen the life of a crime fighter, and fight crime he would. Besides, the tailor who custom designed it for him wouldn’t take returns.

Armed with his big bone of justice, and aided by his 8-year old sidekick Puppy, he mostly strikes laughter into the guts of criminals everywhere. However, in his view, a laughing criminal is almost as vulnerable as a fearful one. At least, that’s what he tells himself.

Also, in my 700 Hobos post I mentioned above showing off my artwork I did for that project, realized I forgot to include one of my hobos… here he is…

Colin that Cheerful Fuck

This cheerful rapscallion is widely hated for his positive attitude in the face of extreme hardship and poverty.